34 Rules for Bands

1. Never start a trio with a married couple.
2. Your manager's not helping you. Fire him/her.
3. Before you sign a record deal, look up the word "recoupable" in the dictionary.
4. No one cares who you've opened for.
5. A string section does not make your tunes sound any more "important".
6. If your band has gone through more than 4 bass players, it's time to break up.
7. When you talk on stage you are never funny.
8. Asking a crowd how they're doing is just amplified small talk. Don't do it.
9. Don't say your video's being played if it's only on the Austin Music Network.
10. When you sign to a major label, claim to have inked the best contract ever. Mention "artistic freedom" and "a guaranteed 3 record deal".
11. When you get dropped insist that it was the worst contract ever and you asked to be let go.
12. Never name a song after your band.
13. Never name your band after a song.
14. When a drummer brings in his own songs and asks to perform one of them, begin looking for a new drummer IMMEDIATELY.
15. Never enter a "battle of the bands" contest. If you do you're already a loser.
16. Learn to recognize scary word pairings: "rock opera", "white rapper", "blues jam", "open mike", etc.
17. Drummers can take off their shirts or they can wear gloves, but not both.
18. It's not a "showcase". It's a gig that doesn't pay.
19. No one cares that you have a web site.
20. Getting a tattoo is like sewing platform shoes to your feet.
21. Don't hire a publicist.
22. Playing an hour's drive away doesn't mean you're on tour.
23. Don't join a cover band that plays Miles songs. In fact, don't join a cover band.
24. Although they come in different styles and colours, electric guitars all sound the same. Why do you keep changing them between songs?
25. Don't stop your set to ask that beers be brought up. That's what girlfriends/boyfriends and lead singers are for!
26. If you use a smoke machine your music sucks.
27. We can tell the difference between a professionally produced album cover and one you made with the iMac you got for Christmas.
28. Remember, if Blues solos are so difficult, why can so many 16 year olds play them?
29. If you ever take a publicity photo, destroy it. You may never know where or when it will turn up.
30. Cut your hair, but do not shave your head.
31. Never pierce any part of your face.
32. Do not wear shorts onstage - or - a hat.
33. Oxymorons: "major label interest", "demo deal"," blues genius" and "$500 guarantee."
34. 3 things that are never coming back: a) gongs b) headbands and c) playing slide guitar with a beer bottle.